I was watching my 4 year old today while we were playing pretend before bed, he’s just happy to be here with me. That’s kind of cool, I feel valued, but also he’s not worried about anything else other than hanging out with me in that moment. I need a lot of that energy in my life, mindfulness. I often forget, but I need to process some things in order to heal, so there’s gotta be a balance, right? I can’t be mindful all of the time because I need to deal with trauma head on. Ask myself the hard questions like why am I feeling this way? What triggered this emotional response? Do I feel stuck in these feelings or can I wriggle out? A day in the life, some days it’s very hard to do basic things, some days I just want to sleep.
My heart hurts every day, mostly centered around the same frustrations with myself. I often don’t feel like I add any value to others’ lives, then I remember my son. I feel very ugly all the time and I get very sad about my body, but then I remember my son doesn’t give a fuck what I look like. Yes I did cry today, twice actually, it sucked, but I dealt with it. I was having a hard conversation with God today about it, and I broke down and admitted that I don’t feel like I have any value, of course God already knew how I felt.
Lately God has been leading me to journaling again, or at least talking out my feelings. That sounds lame but honestly, it’s the way I survive so I need to do it. I am finishing up a music project I’ve been working on for a while and I turned that journaling/lamenting/crying session into lyrics, good, because I need to stay busy.
I cooked shrimp today, and made a shrimp stock in the weirdest way. I’ve been craving ramen or pho and recreating that with keto starts with the broth, it has to be luscious. I threw in the shrimp shells, a beef bouillon cube, 2 bratwurst (because why not), and 2 jalapenos, salt, and water and just let it simmer all day. I will taste it tomorrow as I’m ready for bed.
happy 11:11
-nathan