The past 3-4 months have been heavy emotionally at times, I will often wake up sad like that is the expectation. News is heavy, life is heavy, and meanwhile I’m being triggered into emotional trauma and it’s all very heavy.
But the past week I’ve reconnected with God and it’s been refreshing. He’s given me hope for not only this shitty world but hope that I will heal and be better than ever. Roughly a year ago I saw a vision of myself, an older version of me, and I was complete and happy. I’m so in a hurry to get to that place that I often miss the forest for the trees. But God is faithful to me, and He’s been giving me these moments of clarity that I desperately need to remain hopeful and in a positive headspace.
Over the past week I’ve taken communion a few times and either prayed or yelled at God. I know i’m supposed to be happy, I know God wants me to be happy and I am in those moments of clarity. Communion helps me center myself and solidifies my faith in the Lord more. God knows my journey isn’t over and He is always looking out for me, so I’m trying to rest more, so that I can draw on Him. Communion for me is funny, because it’s basically whatever I can find to eat and drink. It was water and a banana this morning, and God fed me, so here I am writing this blog about my mental health. He is continually healing me and teaching me, He’s basically rewiring trauma brain into joyful brain, and I’m incredibly thankful for Him healing me.
The Lord has placed some incredible people in my life and in my path and I believe those people are healers, no matter what level of involvement they have in my life. These people have chosen me, a weird dude who has dealt with trauma, depression, apathy, avoidance, and suicidal thoughts at my worst. I wanted to be the best version of myself for these people because they deserve it, but I deserve to be the best version of myself, for me. God has shown me wonderful things about myself, and I will continue to heal and be patient until I feel happy again.