This life, this earthly experience, is really fucking hard and unfair. We all have to grind to navigate the obstacles that are thrown at us. I used to think life was full of wonder, but lately my mind has been clouded by doubt and heartache. When life gives you lemons, you make lemonade, but all my lemons have gone bad and i’m out of sugar.
Even my seemingly unshakeable faith is wavering, I am beginning to think God doesn’t like me and the pain in my mind is somehow punishment for something I did. I guess this is what the bottom of the barrel looks like.
Before I continue this pity party, I want to say that I am very grateful for the little I do have – my family is a blessing and so are my friends. I do not want them to go unnoticed in the joy they have provided me.
Lately i’ve been thinking back to last year, when I was denied healthcare because I am at high risk for self harm. A good example of capitalism right there, squeezing out those who need care the most in an effort to pad CEO pockets more.
Thankfully I am very stubborn and very much want to live life to it’s fullest, no matter how much of a shit show it is. I suppose I’ll continue to make the best of it, despite it looking bleak.
Playing music is a great outlet for me, because I can take these feelings and channel them into a creative outlet. I love to create, even if my creations are shitty by others’ standards.
I have no clue what 2024 holds but when you’re at rock bottom, there’s no place elsewhere to look but up.